I’d like to just emphasize, this is my problem, not a problem with feminism, but my own personal issues with being a feminist.
I’ve always been a feminist but I did the blog challenge in April and tried to continue blogging in May, but by June I had reached a dead end. I found that all the research and reading and blogging that I was doing, actually only lead down a black hole where I was noticing sexism in all areas of life, which was making me both sad and angry, until I became a bitter old hag.
I learned so much about feminism and body image that rather than admitting to myself that I would like to lose a little weight to get myself from the overweight into the healthy range; I had decided to steel myself and accept my body for what it is. Surely, not doing so would be un-feminist.
Another sphere where my new focus on feminism profoundly affected me was at work. I started noticing every little thing, every sexist remark and every slight (whether real or imagined) made me more and more dissatisfied. Taking a step back I realise that some of it is real hard-core sexism, and some of it was harmless banter. I am not, however, in a position to do anything about it. I can’t speak out, I refuse to let that be the thing that defines me in my career. I don’t want to be a victim. I know that no matter how it is phrased it will be glaringly obvious that it came from me, as sad and wrong as that is, I refuse to be the one. And this is perhaps the thing that eats away at me. I feel like I am being a hypocrite, I feel like I am letting the whole female side down. But I am not in a position to be an activist, not now. There is too much at stake.
I think that feminism is hard to live by, it’s difficult to be activist and put yourself out there. I know that I can’t do that but at the same time, I don’t feel that someone else needs to carry that burden for me. I think the best I can do is to live up to my own moral code, and as long as my actions are congruent with what I believe, then that is enough. At least for now.